Being a full-time storage auction buyer is hard, what is even more damning is how often the best thing in the storage unit is broken. Over my career of turning trash to cash, often my hopes were dashed by the errant handling of something nice in the unit being broken, stained, ripped, soiled or left in the unit so long attacked by mildew or fungus. For a while it was a running joke between my partner and I. We often held our breath, until we were sure that Samsung 50 inch television came on, all the pieces to the dining room set were there, ( it is a bitch finding the hardware to put furniture together) of that Bang & Olufsen stereo came on, it did, there is a story behind that, I will share one day.
How Furniture Meets A Tragic End
This scene has played it’s self out in my mind over a hundred times. Nice couple, dude or some gay guys spend a shit load of money on the best of the best furniture there is in the land. They use it, have Thanksgiving Dinner on, their first child is conceived on, it and some of the best and not so best days are experienced on it. Then they hire Heckle and Jeckle to move it. The most incompetent people of the face of the planet, yes that is who they find, hire or seduced with several packs of beer to move their “life”. Fortunately everyone is not that dumb. But for the folks who are this post is for you.
The move day comes, everything is going wrong, the truck rental is screwed up, Heckle and Jeckle are late, but hey free labor is a wonder of the world. You get started but you realize you don’t have enough boxes, nor tape. ” Yo those trash bags are looking as good as the fat chick after five shots and it is 2 A.M. ” so the move is moving. Stuff is going on the truck, but there is no rhyme nor reason , but hey we are making good time!
The truck is half loaded, but you still have a lot of stuff. WTF? The guy at the rental counter said this truck would move a house hold of stuff. Feeling cheated and lied to, you make a mental note to take the truck back on “E” that will teach those lying bastards! You now have to go make your first trip to the storage unit, Which is in climate control and on the fourth floor, and it is Saturday. You tell the wife that you and Heckle are going to make a run, should be back in an hour. You set off with firm resolve to get this move done by 5PM and kick back the rest of the day.
You arrive at the storage facility and there is copious activity. People are moving in and out, there are no carts and no one seems happy. Soon you are not happy, it has been thrifty minutes and not one thing is off the truck. That hour you thought it would take turns into three. On the last run up to the unit you and Heckle are literally throwing shit in the unit and dragging things that should be not be pulled in such a way, but hey you have lost time to make up.
Shortly after getting back in the truck you realize you did not put on enough deodorant, hopefully no one notices. Heckle immediately lets the window down and is not really in a chatty mood, but neither are you. Soon you arrive back at the house, your wife is pissed and Jeckle has a hot date so he is about to bail on your ass. But you are a man and men don’t whine so you start grabbing shit and moving it into the truck, with little regard to what is in the box and the cracking sound escapes you.. Your wife is not the quiet meek type, but that look in your eye, the one she has never seen before has her concerned and scared, so she says nothing.
Within a few hours the truck loaded and everything is out of the house. You, Heckle ( he is a trooper and the promise of beer makes him anyone’s bitch) and the wife head to the storage facility. You are in luck, no one is there and the carts are on the deck as if they were saying hello! You are now back to your old self, this is about to be over. In quick, almost military fashion you and your team are moving stuff off the truck. You go up the elevator and arrive at a FULL storage unit, it is packed so tight you can’t even slide a thought in there! What the guy said this unit would hold everything! For the second time today, you realize you were lied to, misdirect and lead astray. Your brow creases, you wife moves away from you, that crazed look is back.
You look at you watch,and realized that the storage facility office is still open, there is a God. You tell the wife to lock it up and silently turn and walk away. You are not looking at spending the 30 addition minutes it will take you to fill out the lease. The manager is a pro, since you are already in the system, she knocked out the second unit in 17 mins 34 seconds, it is one the best things to happen to you that day. With a new overpriced lock in hand you head back to the truck. This unit is outside row 33G, you started the truck and head to the unit, which is a 12 x 25 , you don’t need that much space but it is all they had available for only $325 per month.
Within 20 minutes the truck is empty, your spirits are coming back and the unit is 3/4 empty , but hey you are done. You, the wife and Heckle were so tired, you did not noticed you cracked the table , broke a leg off a nightstand and a box that was dropped made a weird shattering sound. But you are out of this bitch and there is a promise to keep. Heckle is thirsty.
In my mind this is how so many things are broken, shattered and messed up! Since we bought so many storage units , I was frequently on loading and unloading units. I saw this! I just did not know what is was , until I connected the dots. In cases like this and there will be cases like this if you buy enough units. You must learned the art of repair, repurpose and how to see broke shit with gusto! This business taught me that WASP would buy dirty mattress, that you can get a Mexican to pay your price and that normal regular people often make the worst movers. You too can learn the art of turning trash to cash.